Harm & Unlearning Pain Tolerance

TW/CW: Discussion of abuse and harm

It's assumed that no one will get hurt irrevocably under the influence of the 5 of Wands.

The 5 of Wands appears where there's banter, team building, or coordination. Traditional tarot meanings associate the 5 of Wands with sports, competition, and games. There's a peace that pervades under its influence that protects all competitors.

Or at least that's the assumption.

A queer rugby club and a non-profit both exist within the spectrum of the 5 of Wands. Both operate under the assumption that no team member will intentionally hurt another.

This belief is an organizing principle and an article of faith. After all, no one will want to join your rugby team if they think you're gunna square up with them in the middle of a match.

The belief that one will not be intentionally harmed makes it feel safer to seek community.

The 5 of Wands, whether upright or reversed, shows how communities normalize harm. Sure training for a boxing match is sport, but it's still bloodsport.

The 5 of Wands reversed can bring some of the most serious manifestations of intracommunity harm.

The entire community takes part in the abuse, so no one names it as such.

Spaces that embody the 5 of Wands reversed can be like the city depicted in Ursula Le Guin's "The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas." Everything seems perfect and egalitarian, until it doesn't. Only later does one learn that the community's happiness is built on violence and abuse.

I have been in many such spaces.

Some couldn't let go of their idea of themselves as a "safe space," and thus were unable to respond to harm. They believed their liberatory work meant harm was an impossibility.

Like all wands, the 5 of Wands seeks action.

Formations that emerge from this energy do so quickly. These spaces can happen overnight, and establish themselves in a flash.

This can be a blessing if everything goes as planned. When things don't go as planned, you may find yourself cast as an enemy if you assert all is not well.

The 5 of Wands refers to spaces that hone our bodies or our ideas and allow us to thrive. The loss of access to such a community can be humiliating and painful.

One method of reading reversed cards is returning to the work of the preceding card.

For the 5 of Wands reversed, one would have to revisit the 4 of Wands. The 4 of Wands is the beginning of harmony.

It opens a space and gathers people together to witness the formalization of relationships. It has an association with weddings, housewarming parties, and ceremonies of all kinds.

To transform the 5 of Wands reversed, it can be necessary to move backwards to when there was safety. Then it may be possible to find the moment where things began to change.

Here are some things I'm opening to as I work to transform the 5 of Wands reversed back into the 4 of Wands.

1. Unlearning my pain tolerance

The phrase "if it feels good, do it" should always end with "if it feels bad, stop."

5 of Wands reversed spaces may call themselves "brave spaces." This can hit like "you need to assumed you will get hurt here." Or "there's no point in talking about harm, because no one cares."

As someone with CPTSD since early childhood, I have hardened my skin around my body like armor. I have never been a "radical softness as a weapon" girlie. I have never had the privilege of softness with the world at large.

But my thick skin isn't an excuse to gouge at me. Even the smallest cut can become infected.

I don't have to tolerate spaces where I am disrespected. I don't have to surround myself with those I must further harden around.

I won't be part of spiritual or political spaces that ask me to tolerate the pain they cause.

2. Listening for the yelp

When kittens play with one another, things can get rough. They may bite each other's napes and scratch at each other's faces. Yet play will generally come to an end when one of them yelps.

That yelp means they've had enough. It's a clear sign that play has gone too far.

When kittens get separated from their litters too early, they miss out on opportunities for this type of play. This means they're more aggressive with other cats and even humans.

Histories of isolation can make socialization difficult. It can be hard to know the line between jest and meanness, as it differs from person to person.

Generally, though, there is a yelp. This may be a trailing off of someone's voice, or a frown where once there was a smile. Someone may even exit a conversation.

When there is a yelp, it's important for people to respond in the moment. I am committing to not brushing off a yelp. Moving forward, I will check in, or follow up.

3. Becoming willing to start again

I recently had to leave a spiritual community that was very important to me.

This leaving was awful. It felt unfair. But it was part of my practice of self-love.

After a year and a half in that community, I found that my rapist was often in a position of leadership there. I brought it to the attention of my peers and the leader, who, to her credit at least tried to comfort me. Yet I understood that my continued presence in that space meant aggravating my CPTSD.

So, I left. I deleted myself from the lists. I changed the way I thought of the space. I found somewhere else to be.

I realized that despite the space's beauty--its passion, its brilliant leader, everything--it wasn't committed to addressing harm. I had to accept that they knew a spiritual service provider was also a predator. I had to accept that by failing to make changes, they were enabling this predator to abuse others.

I didn't want to start again, but the mechanics of the previous space made it impossible to stay.

*

At the end of "The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas" people begin to leave the city. They walk away one by one, without prior notice. They leave the work of the city, and the lies that undergird it, to others. They do not explain why.

They commit to change with their bodies and movement. They divest from systems that cause harm without acknowledging the hurt they perpetuate.

May our motion create spaces that don't invisiblize harm. May we learn to respond in ways that soothe and hearten survivors.

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